Fear

In my earlier post. I noted that the CERN, specialise, went online today. The scientists, and engineers working on this project were subjected to threats. That if the project created a black hole and doomed Mankind. Then the parties responsible for the letter, would kill them. Shortly before the demise of the Earth one assumes.

Vitalsatistix, the chief of the indomitable Gaul's was terrified that tomorrow the Sky would fall on his head. Blucher, I have read, was convinced that he would give birth to a live elephant.

I have nightmares. 

I remember having Nightmares from the start of school onwards. My brother by contrast slept soundly. Unless we were on holiday.

I loathed the dark. It terrified me. I still get nightmares. In my defence, it may have a genetic context. I was at the cinema with my sister, and she closed her eyes, during a trailer for a horror film.

My youngest sister, was sent home, from a school trip having had a panic attack. I had one up the steps in Colonge. I remember having one, in High school trying to abseil

My father is a paragon of physical strength. He sired 6 children.

I know he worries about driving. He worries that one mistake, will kill himself, and anyone he rides with.

Fear

I did think of calling my blog, Beta male blues.

I have made decisions, based on fear. I have not taken driving lessons, as I have my father neurosis, about cars. I am also afraid of looking stupid. I fear personal and general ridicule.

Just after university, I suppose I could have looked for roommates. I didn't I was afraid no one would want, me. I was afraid people would laugh at me

Fear has played a role in most of my relationships to date. I remember being told by Paola, that the only thing, I react to is fear. She was right. I was afraid. I was afraid she would leave me. I was afraid she would laugh at me. I was afraid it was all fake. It was a scam, or a murderer  ready to pounce.

Wasn't the last time. I would let fear, rule me. I paid a price for it.

I worry about anything, and everything. Over the past few years. I have worried about:

Exchange rates, Street crime in Corpus Christi, Senility, European Demographics, US immigration officials, Credit card fraud, food poisoning, giving up smoking, heartburn, having my PC stolen, being thrown out of a bar, in Germany, losing my job, insomnia, sending mix singles, terrorism, falling from the tower of Cologne Cathedral, being dumped, Traffic, missing TV programs, being late for work, being late for the cinema, Trainwrecks, toothache, losing control when drunk........

On the other hand in my defence, I sing Karaoke. I spoke in Debates at high school. I spent a year in another country, by myself. I excelled at exams. I rode the London Underground, after the 7/7 bombings. I fly in airplanes. I smoked for years. I have been to Northern Ireland.

(Oh and I get awful buyers remorse)

I don't want fear, to dominate my life. It creeps up on me.  I want to feel secure. I can discuss aspects of European history with complete strangers. Why I have a degree. I have a shelf full of books. I have access to 16 million books. I feel total security in discussing this.

But approaching someone in a bar. ....

I am shy.

In part. Some of this, is bad luck. I am short sighted. I can mis read things, I can miss things. I can miss that announcement. I can miss that sign. When I travel, on holiday. I am often, responsible for another person.

But other people have children. Other people are blind. Others are widowed, or orphaned.

Speaking of travel. I have ruled out one possible destination, as I don't want to meet a friend. As I will feel embarassed, that he has done better then me. I am afraid of looking stupid. Or feeling inadequate, of pity, and snobbery.

You get the picture by now.

I don't want to be afraid. Its not pretty. Its not attractive. I don't like it in other people. It gets tiresome.

So how to break the cycle. I think security would help. For years I felt unattractive. I was afraid no woman would want me. I met girls, who did. So I know that is not true. I did that by taking risks.

So the solution, is to be reckless. It will make my thirties interesting